why I no longer want a girl

Sep 15

Posted by: Scott in: blog, family, me myself and i, ramblings, rants, who wants to read this?

Is it just a predisposed fact that mothers must belittle and put down their daughters? And why is it so natural for those same daughters to just keep coming back for more? Keep answering the phone. Keep biting their lips, and suffering through the long awkward silences without making their feelings known. I am horrified to think I even might say some of the things that my mother has said to me to another person, let alone my own daughter. Each time I get off the phone, I think, that’s the last time, next time I will say something.

My mom’s sister, Mary, told her (20 years ago or so) that I wouldn’t amount to anything with her as a mother. Well, we can all admit that was a pretty low and shitty thing to say, but hey, nobody’s family gets along all the time. But I’ll be damned if my mom didn’t one up it! “And look how things turned out!” she exclaimed. By God, I went and proved her sister right!

Gee. No Mom. There is no rat poison in my house for your precious little dog to get into. Believe it or not, there is not even any roach bait! Yes I really do think you know why you said that, you know what you were thinking…that my house is a dump. But it is not infested with any vermin, thanks. Did you remember that you also have a precious grandson in addition to your precious dog? Do you really think I would have rat poison sitting in the middle of the floor with a toddler? Um, yeah.

My cousin, Elizabeth, and her husband, Jay, had a beautiful baby girl this past January. My mother announced over the phone that according to the email, the baby was blessed holy water immediately upon being born. She exclaimed that maybe that is where she and my dad went wrong with me! Maybe had they had me blessed with holy water at birth, my life would have turned out different and better, and I wouldn’t have any pain or unhappiness. Well guess what? I AM happy. Damnit! So stop asking me with that pitiful voice whether I’m happy or not. Do you really mean you want my life better and happier or yours? Yeah that’s what I thought.

How about when you told me you were so jealous of your siblings’ children because they graduated from college. How dare they send you a graduation announcement! I’m sure they did it only as a reminder of what a failure your own daughter is. Certainly, it couldn’t have been to announce their special day. The nerve of them. I wish I had a nickel for every time you brought up someone else’s graduation with the sad, sappy voice. Each time I swear that next time will be the last time. Next time I’ll say something. Next time I’ll explode. But I never do. I just tell myself not to even answer the phone next time. But I always do that too. I don’t know whether Rebecca Finch graduated. Okay actually I do. She graduated and then went to law school and she’s done with that too! But you know what? I don’t CARE. I’m somebody’s mom. And to me that is a lot more important than going to law school.

And lest we not forget the classic “flower that didn’t bloom” comment. You actually said that straight to my face. I was the beautiful flower that you planted and cared for and tended and nurtured, and I never bloomed. I never became anything. Being a mother is not a success to you, it is a failure. It is not what you wanted. It wasn’t your plan. Do you notice a common theme here? The word YOU…not ME. Not what I wanted, just what you wanted. No I didn’t plan for things to turn out this way. I didn’t have this grand scheme growing up to hurt you. Wake up! Smell the flowers that DID bloom, the world doesn’t revolve around you. The world is full of disappointments. You know what we can do? Make the best of them. Say your piece, make peace, and MOVE ON.

You under estimate the benefits of coming from a large family. In our family, I’m it. I’m all you have. The only screw up. It all falls on me. I wish to hell and back that you had another kid to be proud of. I really do. Maybe you could talk about them instead of droning on about me and everything I haven’t become.

Want to hear the best part of all of this? My mother wants me to move closer. To the same town, or even the same neighborhood. So that she can do this to me on a daily basis? Yeah. I hear Montana Russia is quite nice this time of the year.

Comments

2 Responses to “why I no longer want a girl”

    MamaLee
    September 15th, 2007 7:57 pm

    Shit girl we need to get together for coffee! I understand oh-so-well about unhealthy mothers dropping loads of guilt-ladened CRAP on their daughters. And how we go back for more, because maybe THIS time they’ll be different. that they will miraculously change into that mother that we always dreamed of having.

    Alas, we get what we get. And I understand not saying what is on your mind. Please know that you are not alone and that you are SO worth the trouble of life. And love. From all that I’ve read, you are a wonderful person, and I hope that you can see that it is your MOTHER’S problem, NOT you. SHE is the sicko, insecure, lost, sad person.

    And keep the distance. I moved away from my mother when I got married and it was the best thing I did. The situation is still a sad one, but at least I don’t have to hear the crap every day.

    I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. XOXO

    Lauren
    September 16th, 2007 9:54 pm

    so were you in my weekend or what? ok first of all I CANNOT believe your mom said all those cruel cruel things to you!!! I am just speechless! I just don’t know what to tell you! But I totally understand your point of view! being a mom is the best/hardest/most rewarding job you can EVER have! so what eveeryone else did the whole college thing! do they get to wake up to big eyes, warm loving arms, and new words everyday? I would take payments of sloppy kisses over dollar bills anyday…this is what makes the world go round…DIFFERENT poeple doing DIFFERENT jobs!! It would suck if we were all lawyers.
    ok so your family and my family must have gotten together this weekend….Doc (my grandad) says “Rebecca had a celebration of becoming a lawyer at her house and I went. We got to talking and she asked about you and I just said she’s doing fine right now. I didnt tell her about your “situation”.” MY SITUATION???? Ohhhh you must mean MY LIFE!!! The two little boys who are my world…or the man I havent married yet, but I love dearly, because it’s chaeper like that for now!! Then my dad says “Do you need anything? Like clothes for the boys or yourself or food or anything like that?” Because obviuosly we are all so fraile and thin and the meals at the shelter arent enough! LOL And obviously you don’t see the new clothes that we all have on that I was trying to impress you with or the fact there is a nice as truck sitting in the driveway that took about 55 bucks to fill up to get down here. But let me go take care of my “situation”. Damn “situation”! ;-)

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