untitled

Apr 12

Posted by: Rachel in: blog, family, me myself and i, memories, parenting, ramblings


Ever get to a place in your life and stop and wonder, how did I get here? I don’t even like this person. I can’t see or even remember who I used to be. I feel like the world is in the distance ahead of me, becoming more faint and minuscule with each passing day. And here I sit, wondering where time and everyone else is going. I love being a mother. I do. It keeps me grounded. Sane. In love. But where do I define myself outside of being a mother? I don’t know anymore. I’m impatient and sad most days. My head feels foggy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful healthy little boy. I have a man who would move heaven and earth for me. I am blessed. But I feel tormented. Depression is ugly. And I don’t like the way it looks on me. I don’t know where to start looking for the happiness I used to see in myself. I remember what it feels like. I can still taste it. I can still see a glimpse in my memories, but the mirror tells a different story. 1999. Before my entire world changed. It felt like flying a kite. Every day. Just waking up with a smile. Magical. The blue skies, the wind whistling in the trees, sunlight filtering through. Undisturbed beauty. Silent and deafening at the same time. Life was simple then. I just want to be happy. I love my life. I just don’t love myself in it. Time to build a kite.

Comments

One Response to “untitled”

    pluckymama MonsterID Icon pluckymama
    April 12th, 2007 9:30 pm

    I’ve struggled with depression since I was 7 years old, I’m 24 now. I’m the opposite though, being a mommy has made me incredibly happy. I couldn’t help me and drugs didn’t work either. My life changed when I saw a counselor, there’s so much help out there! Just make sure you don’t find yourself enjoying the comfort your sadness. Building a kite seems like a good place to start!

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