just give me an “f”

Jul 15

Posted by: Rachel in: blog, parenting, ramblings, rants

In motherhood 101 that is. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been super down lately. I feel like a terrible mom. The highlight of my day this week has been when he finally goes to sleep (which isn’t until after 10pm most nights!). I know. ALL stay at home mothers think this at one point or another. But man. I’m just burnt out. In a rut. Don’t wanna get up in the morning. I feel like the guy on Office Space. I dream of doing what he did. No, no, not deriving pleasure from the therapist guy falling over dead. Just the wallowing in bed until 4pm part. When is the last time I did that? Um I would have to say the day before I became a mother! I couldn’t sleep, because really, who can sleep at 9 months pregnant? I wasn’t feeling well either. My wonderful nurse practitioner talked me into taking some Ambien just so I could rest before being induced. I wouldn’t have been allowed to go more than a few days past my due date because of gestational diabetes. So I went home and crawled into the bed that night, slept 9 hours, got up, ate breakfast and checked my sugars, and took another sleeping pill and stayed in bed until 1pm, then moved to the couch and sat there until 6pm! Ah. That was nice. Bliss really. Good thing too, because no one filled me in that I wouldn’t be sleeping for the next two years. Or maybe it’s the next 18. I wonder. Do parents sleep any easier when their baby leaves home? Or maybe it is even worse, until your kid finally reaches that age where it seems like they might just have turned out alright. PS I went into labor at 6:30pm after all of that lounging. So at this point I have totally and completely lost the original point of this rambling.

I have also noticed, that in feeling like a bad mommy, I have picked up an old habit. Our current routine is listening to a CD (of grown up songs, not your traditional poke your eyeballs out children’s lullaby cd) as Caleb falls asleep. I sit in the rocking chair next to the bed. It gives me a little quiet down time. Where nothing is required of me. I just sit and think. Unforunately, most of the time my mind drifts to my carseat anxiety complex, of what seat I should have gotten/will get/should I get/do I need a backup seat/what if we were in an accident, how would we get home without a backup seat/can you trust carseat manufacturers/my head is going to pop off………… Returning to the point. Again. We did the cosleeping thing for a while, then I moved him to a side-car toddler bed right up against our bed, then I scooted the toddler bed over a few feet, and sat between the beds until he fell asleep. Then he moved to a twin mattress and boxspring on the floor, where he still is now. I used to sit on the end of the bed, then I moved to the rocker. But the past few nights I’ve been snuggling with him in his bed. I mean what can I say when I tuck him in and kiss him twelve times, then kiss Charley five times, then him a few more, say I love yous and sweet dreams and tuck the covers snug as a bug in a rug, and he pats the pillow beside him and says “yi down mommy.” He will turn on his side to face me and snuggle his head up under my chin. At times he will reach up and gently stroke my check with his hand. Or sometimes he turns away from me and wants me to put my arm over him. I just never knew that babies could be so cuddly. I swear if the next child isn’t like this, I will do everything in my power to convert him or her into a cuddle bug. Because I got the sweetest most loving baby in the world. So I must be doing something right.