this has no title, insert something witty here

Apr 24

Posted by: Rachel in: blog, caleb isaiah, me myself and i, parenting, photography, ramblings

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Obviously I’ve been thinking about posting a lot more than I have actually posted these last two weeks. So I owe a thank you for your patience.

In my ponderings, I’ve come to the conclusion that I become more of a control freak every day. I hate that. I want to work on it. But if things side step, I don’t seem to be able to handle it like I used to. My life before Caleb was a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants life. My plans were to make no plans. To go with the flow. But then this tiny person entered my life, and I honeymooned for several months, sleepily gazing at my blue eyed boy, absolutely in awe that I baked that up in my belly, and that he was even mine. It was all so surreal. But becoming a parent carries with it a weight like no other. I suddenly realized, if I don’t look at the bigger picture, if I don’t start making plans, it’s not just me that I could screw up. There’s a child now relying on me to make the right decisions, and plan past that day’s lunch. That’s when it all started. At least I think so.

Want to know one of my most embarrassing secrets? Well I don’t think embarrassing is the right word. Perhaps sad? Other than a solo trip to the grocery store on average less than once a month, I’ve only left Caleb all day one time. That day, I drove 11 hours to a wedding and back home so I wouldn’t have to leave him overnight. He was 13 months old then.  He’s four now.  I’ve never had a babysitter.

Tomorrow, I’ll be gone most of the day for another wedding (more on that next paragraph). It may very well be the second time in his life that I won’t put him to bed. I find myself very surprised at how hard it is for me to relinquish that control. To tell myself that he will be perfectly fine. Even is someone doesn’t do things my way, that doesn’t mean they won’t work a different way. Our routine doesn’t have to be followed to a tee.

I know I’ve been burnt out lately and I could use a brief break and a chance to work on and expand my other passion, my photography. This Saturday affords me both of those things. My sister is getting married. I am more or less the second shooter. Although, when I talked to her yesterday, she said “I trust your judgment.” To be perfectly honest, I’m terrified. I’ve never even done a formal photo shoot, much less a wedding. Luckily, I do not have to do any formal posed shots. I am thankful for that. It is an outdoor wedding, so I don’t have to worry about a lack of lighting. I am thankful for that. The bride to be favors the journalistic approach to capturing the day. I am thankful for that.  I’ve  spent hours every week trying to soak up knowledge from blogs like Jasmine Star’s and Jessica Claire’s.  I am thankful for that.

So I have exactly 30 hours to make a cheat sheet before this wedding! I saved several shots from my favorite photographers and I’m going to print out small copies of them and paste them in a little book under categories for inspiration tomorrow, along with a list of all the shots I feel are must haves, and tips jotted down.

So if you’ve read all this and you’re not convinced I’m a control freak, I leave you with this. I vacuum every day. Yes. I really do. In my defense, 6 days out of 7, I use a cordless stick vacuum.

Comments

2 Responses to “this has no title, insert something witty here”

    Jen
    April 24th, 2009 12:30 pm

    Just wanted to wish you luck with the wedding- hope we get to see some of the photos!!

    By the way, I vacuum every day too… And we don’t even have any pets anymore!

    Amber
    April 24th, 2009 10:39 pm

    And to think you used to sleep in a sleeping bag on top of your covers so you wouldn’t have to make the bed. My little girl is all grown up, happens to the best of us.

    Don’t doubt your gut! Your artistic intuition will never fail you. I had to learn that the hard way. If it helps your nerves, you’ve got a beautiful backdrop! All of your photographs are beautiful and I don’t have an ounce of doubt about your abilities! Work it girl!!! :D

    see you in the morning.

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