I’m sorry, please excuse me

Dec 31

Posted by: Rachel in: blog, caleb isaiah, me myself and i, parenting, ramblings

I’m having a complete meltdown, and I have nowhere to pour it out but here. With motherhood comes inordinate amounts of guilt. Guilt for wanting to take a shower more than you want to feed your newborn. Guilt for not keeping up with the housekeeping. Guilt for stopping by McDonald’s during the chicken tender phase now and then. I laid there today a few inches from his face watching him fall off to sleep for his nap. I had a damp paper towel to dab his cheek, which I’ve been doing all morning. I just stared at him, and the tears started rolling. I got up sobbing and called Scott. I don’t know what I expected him to say, but I just sobbed into the phone. That I should have known better. I’m his mother and I should have been more proactive. More stern and clear about my wishes. I knew better than that. I knew he shouldn’t have been near Gilda. He wants her to like him so bad too. If she wags her tail in his general direction, he starts laughing and saying over and over that “she wikes me, she weawwy wikes me.” God I don’t know what I would have done if it was worse. I keep thinking, this could have been his eye. He could have lost his eyesight on one side. Every time I look at him, my heart breaks. I know you think I’m crazy. I’m overreacting. You didn’t see his face though. I just can’t get that out of my head. My mom says he tripped over Gilda’s leash, because Mom hooked her around the damn chair leg right next to him. Right in his path. She said she knew he was going to trip, it was in slow motion for her, she just couldn’t get there fast enough. He didn’t fall on her though. She had no reason to do that. I’m just having a lot harder time with this than I anticipated.

Comments

2 Responses to “I’m sorry, please excuse me”

Amber
December 31st, 2007 4:30 pm

Rachel, it’s not your fault. S#&t happens. I know it’s just so hard to see his beautiful perfect little face all bruised and swollen. But children are so resilient!

Jess
July 19th, 2008 7:26 am

What you are going to have to do now, is deal with your emotions and get past this. I only say this because your son will pick up on everything and carry this with him longer than needed. So take an afternoon, go get some coffee at a book store, get your pad of paper and a pen, then write it out. Write all the bad words and feelings you have about this - I mean all. And tell yourself that’s it’s over, finished, and you are a better mom because you can prevent Gilda from getting him again. Then take that paper - and tear it into 1000 pieces, dunk them into your remaining coffee, and toss it. Go home with it all past you. Look at your sweet son and tell him you love him. But no more getting upset - even in the next room. You have learned to walk with your heart (your son) on the outside of your body, but you both are still connected deeper than anyone can understand. What you feel, he feels, what he feels, you feel. So be strong for him.

Another Mama ~ Jess

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