december 17th

Dec 17

Posted by: Scott in: blog, family, me myself and i, memories, parenting, ramblings

I’ve been staring at this screen for a while now. I woke up this morning, at saw that the clock said 7:45. I knew I needed to get up, but I closed my eyes again. I heard Scott telling me to wake up because he had to leave soon. When I looked at the clock, it was 8:40. Yes we get started a little later than most people. And I’m rarely asleep before 1am. I heard Dora tunes from the living room, and tried to rub the sleep from my eyes. Scott woke me up from a dream. I was dreaming about my grandmother. Like I was watching a movie. Crystal clear colors, sounds, everything. I don’t know what we were doing, but the whole family was there. Like it was Thanksgiving or Christmas, only 15 or 20 years ago. She was hurrying around the room setting the table and carrying food back and forth. Everyone was talking. I felt like I was just standing off to the side peering in. Like when you see movies about the Ghost of Christmas Past. He takes Ebenezer to look at the past, and he can see everyone, but they can’t see him. I don’t remember anything else, except thinking how young she looked, I think she had on a blue jean skirt.

I think about family a lot this day every year. See, this is the day we lost my cousin. Twelve years ago. It seems like another lifetime. I was 13 years old. I remember the phone call. At three in the morning. I remember my dad sitting on my bed and telling me that he had bad news later that morning. It was a Sunday. Last year was the second time December 17th fell on a Sunday. The realization stung last year when I saw the day on my phone. My family had the advent candle lighting at church that Sunday in 95. I don’t remember standing there, but I remember where we sat. I remember telling Amber in the back of the church and I remember her hugging me after the service. I remember the hotel we stayed in Sunday night, we drove half way to Georgia that day. This past October, when my grandmother passed, it was the first time I had been in the funeral home since that day. I saw the hallway where I sat waiting on a seemingly endless parade of people to offer their condolences. I only lasted about 20 minutes in the family line shaking hands and giving hugs. My legs felt like lead, and I needed to escape. It is funny the trivial things that your memory stores away. I remember hugging William at my Aunt Beth’s wedding. Probably about two years before his death. I hugged him, and got my poorly applied cheapo makeup on his right shoulder. Why do I remember that?

I’ve been feeling like I deserve the crappy mom of the year award here lately. Today I was ordering a last minute Christmas gift, that had to be ordered by 12pm today. It was 11:52. Caleb slammed his finger in the desk drawer right next to me. He had been begging me to get up so we could retrieve his advent calendar treat for the day. Sometimes when I look at him, I think about my grandmother and Will. I think, this isn’t how I would want them to see me. I wonder if they are watching. I told Caleb that his great grandmother is in heaven watching over him. He remembers. He says something from time to time when we’re looking at the clouds or the stars. I feel like I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to be a better mom. Worrying about how the house looks when I could be taking him to the park. Trying to organize junk drawers when I should have been reading to him. I guess we all do that from time to time. At least I hope. He has been upset and whiny most of the morning. I’m probably to blame. I’ve been stressed and snappy with him. We are all three (Scott, Caleb and I) struggling with various things, but I realized today…in this time of the year that is supposed to be about family, we are all struggling by ourselves. Instead of being thankful for what we have, and for Christmas, for our family, we have retreated to our separate corners. I think we’re heading to the Festival of Lights (a Christmas light display at a park) tonight. I hope that is a step in the right direction. Toward the middle ground. Because after all, Christmas is about family.

Comments

One Response to “december 17th”

    Jamie
    December 17th, 2007 3:22 pm

    This post has me in tears… mostly because I feel like I could be a better mommy. I completely agree with spending time reading instead of organizing drawers or playing at the park instead of cleaning the house. There is so much that would do differently. And you know what? Today is the day that I am going to start that!!

    I thank you… more than you will ever know.

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