It’s all mine. The Mother of the Year Award that is.

I lost it. I threw a temper tantrum. I blessed out my two year old. Yep. Earlier today he was having some crackers. He asked me to take the halves apart. Okay, whatever. I did it. He scraped the peanut butter off with his teeth and discarded the crackers. All twelve of them. A 6 pack of Lance crackers and all he had eaten was the peanut butter. So I told him that he was being rude, and I didn’t appreciate it. Now in my defense, he is a horse’s ass about eating. I’m getting paid back ten fold for being a picky eater. I suppose that is usually how it works. He never ate baby cereal, refused all homemade baby food other than bananas and pears. Gave up that and welcomed Gerber into my family with open arms. He refused about 60% of that. It was hit or miss on everything. One day he’d eat it, the next day he wouldn’t. He ate no cake for his second birthday, wasn’t even interested. How many birthday cakes did I bake the day before his birthday? Four? Yes I think that’s right. FOUR cakes, and the little shit wouldn’t even look at it!! Two of those cakes flopped by the way, and I needed 1.5 cakes for my creation. Don’t ask, just go here and here if you are really curious. So anyway, back to the cracker incident. I told him he was rude, and you know what? He ate the damn crackers! I could barely believe it. Not all of them, but about half. So I’m not even sure whether I feel accomplished or bad for that one.

Fast forward a few hours. As he came whizzing by me at mach five with his pushcar screaming like a banshee, I got a whiff of that nice fresh aroma. You know the one where you look at your little angels and you’re like “Alright, who shit?” Okay, well you think that to yourself. Hopefully you decline to say this outloud most of the time. Because you can rest assured when, seven months down the road, you are sitting in a church pew next to grandma within earshot of the preacher and 98% of the congregation, then and only then will your little darling decide to repeat your glorious little slip-up. But since I only have one kid, I already know who did it, I don’t have to ask. I gave a 3 minutes warning on the upcoming diaper change. Then I announced it again as I was picking him up, at which point all of the glass fell out of the windows people. I shit you not. This kid broke the windows in the nursery at the hospital. He never had that newborn cry. Oh no, he came out with the lungs of a two year old. I yelled NO overtop of his shrillness, believe it or not, at which point he smacked both hands on either side of my face. I plopped him down and yelled for him to get in time out now, and slammed the hallway door behind him to boot. We went through the hitting thing a few months back, where he tested those waters to see if they bit back. He got through it fairly quickly with quite a few time outs. But it has pretty much been a lesson learned since, he hasn’t hit unless it was by accident. However I have noticed some angry protests here lately where I can tell he wants to hit, but instead he will scream and clap his hands really hard in front of him. Which almost makes me laugh to picture, but it usually isn’t funny at the time. Emotional little creatures, they are. So I slammed most of his toys back on the shelves myself instead of going through the -ask 900 times for the toys to be picked up- ritual. I stormed around to other side of the house, and then I heard it. The tiny little voice coming from the stool in the hallway. “I sowwy Mommy, I sowwy.” Never have I felt like a bigger asshole in my life than this very single moment. Two inches tall would have been in the 90th percentile for how I felt, and still feel. I know we all have our off days, but damn. He seems to have forgotten all about it now, he’s playing happily. I suck.

Comments

One Response to “back off ladies”

    Lauren MonsterID Icon Lauren
    September 26th, 2007 9:22 pm

    I think you described my daily ritual with Aidan! He is getting worse and worse and I feel like I am running out of ideas. Some days I feel like I need to take a parenting class because “Aidan please do not hit your brother, sit down , no screamin, don’t touch, come here….blablablabla…is not working!!! When I punish him, he has started rolling his eyes and smacking his lips like he is 13!! At night he is great but I am losing it with this child during the day!! So it’s ok because I suck too!! lol!!

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