I was discussing through email with a friend the chore of bathing children recently. As simple as it may seem, it can be a tiring process. But never fear, bathing your toddler can be as simple as 49 easy steps:

  1. Announce impending bath
  2. Cover ears and pretend not to hear to wailing protests
  3. Start water running
  4. Go to bedroom and uncover child hiding inconspicuously in bed (because the huge, moving, giggling lump in the covers didn’t give that one away)
  5. Strip child
  6. Place dirty clothes in basket, diaper in trash (Dads omit this step, strip child naked where he stands, leave diaper and clothes there just as you would your own…clothes that is)
  7. Gather towel and washcloth if needed (Dads forget towel, ask wife to bring it when needed)
  8. Child streaks around the house 3 times during your 8 step trek to the bathtub
  9. Streaks through the house another 7 times to gather Hot Wheels from the storage facility that is located 5 steps from the bathroom
  10. Naked child runs into the bathroom and launches Hot Wheels into the water
  11. Ask toddler if he needs to potty
  12. Place dirty child in bathtub. If the water is too hot, your toddler will tell you. If the water is too cold, your toddler will tell you. If the water is just right, your toddler will continue stand anyway until expressly informed that he must sit down to avoid head injuries from falling
  13. Toddler pees in tub (Dads cheer)
  14. Leave bath water running because old wells fill up bathtubs very slowly, and cast iron tubs cool the water off very quickly
  15. Immediately close clear shower curtain liner and flip curtain over the shower curtain rod to avoid bathing your bathroom while bathing your toddler (Dads omit this step, your wife has a mop…somewhere)
  16. Tell toddler not to drink bath water
  17. Let child agitate in bath as long as humanly possible to ensure your .05% chance that he may get out more tired than he went in
  18. Since toddler preforms a similar function as the washing machine agitator, go ahead and toss some clothes in at this point if you’d like (Dads skip this step since there are no dirty clothes…in the basket at least)
  19. Clean toilet and sink while child is splashing, screaming and swimming (Dads omit this step also, as you do not know where we keep the toilet brush, toilet bowl cleaner, Windex, Lysol, paper towels, cleaning cloths or replacement trash bags)
  20. Remind toddler for the 7th time not to drink bath water
  21. Prepare for duty: you need towels to kneel on, shampoo, a loofah or wash cloth, detachable showerhead – place in sink next to tub between uses to prevent from:
    a. being yanked clean out of the wall
    b. being shaken until bottles fall off the shelf hanging from the shower head and conk toddler in the head causing serious screaming
  22. Remove drain plug from tub
  23. Quickly replace with hair trapper because ancient cast iron tub has no drain cover, and you’ll want to prevent Hot Wheels and foam bath letters from entering the drain pipe. I assure you, both will fit.
  24. Explain to toddler why we don’t drink bath water
  25. Once water has completely drained, then and only then, open the shower curtain liner
  26. Spend no less than five minutes trying to adjust water temperature to toddler’s liking
  27. Toggle between detachable shower head and faucet for containment purposes. Trust me, you don’t want your toddler to gain control of the detachable shower head
  28. Bathe toddler. He will stand up when you want him to sit down, sit down when you ask him to stand up, twist knobs requiring recalibration of water temperature, place bath toys against faucet so as to cause maximum splatter of water, and protest to being washed and rinsed
  29. Ignore commotion and continue on your quest for a clean child
  30. The hard part is over
  31. Let him drink all the clean bath water coming out of the shower head/faucet that he wants
  32. Cut off all water supply, and replace detachable shower head out of reach.
  33. Negotiate terms of picking up bath toys (Dads omit this step, leave bath toys for wife, she’ll get them)
  34. Pick up towel, it is soaked (Dads leave this towel on the floor)
  35. Retrieve clean, dry towel
  36. Threaten life, limb and future use of bath toys if they are not picked up immediately
  37. Help child out of tub
  38. Wait on the ringing in your ears to stop, surprisingly enough, the creature who was so against the bath in the beginning has now switched sides and does not wish to get out
  39. Quickly dry toddler before he decides to pee on something
  40. Free toddler to run around naked to air dry, because obviously there is no other sole on this Earth that enjoys being naked this much
  41. Hide in closet and spring out with clean clothes just in time to catch toddler rounding turn 3 in lap 15 around the house
  42. Wrestle clothing onto child
  43. Again ignore commotion and protests
  44. Free toddler again
  45. Hang up wet towel (Dads omit this step, leave wet towel wadded up on top of cloth changing pad cover)
  46. Mop up bathroom with bathmat and place in dirty clothes or side of tub depending upon wetness level (Dads omit this step because the bathmat is already wadded up and soaking wet in the corner of the bathroom floor…with a wet towel on top of it)
  47. Despite your best efforts your clothes are wet. Determine if change of clothes is needed based on the following criteria:
    a. I’ve actually been somewhere already today (congratulate self) / I’m going somewhere today therefore I’m dressed (pat yourself on the back) and jeans do not dry quickly: change clothes
    b. I do not plan on leaving the house today except in the case of a Starbucks drive thru emergency, thus I am still in my pajamas: these typically dry quickly, you may consider these pants as already washed depending upon wetness level and if you’re lucky the water may have removed the booger that was wiped on you earlier.
  48. Vow to keep child cleaner thus lengthening the amount of time between these bathtime events
  49. Announce that it is naptime because frankly this process takes a lot out of you

Comments

3 Responses to “49 easy steps to bathing your toddler”

    my conscience
    December 18th, 2008 7:44 pm

    it is dangerous to leave a child unattended in the tub, even to clean your toilet – bad advice even if supposedly humourous.

    Rachel
    December 18th, 2008 8:02 pm

    Well MC at just had to say it dot com, aka my conscience, I see you didn’t even have the guts to even leave your name, afraid somebody is gonna get mad at you for sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong? I don’t need any parenting advice from you, nor was it my intention to give anyone else advice. It is blatantly obvious (for those of us who understand the use of sarcasm) that this was supposed to be humorous. Not that it is any of your business, but I can sit on the toilet and reach inside my tub. I think my four year old will be just fine. I hope you check back to see if your comment has been approved so you can feel beyond stupid. Don’t forget to toss your laundry in with your kid and have an awesome day!

    PS Watch this, it ought to trip you out Infant Swim Resource

    dana Gonzalez
    June 1st, 2010 7:01 pm

    Amazing. It’s nearly to the letter what happens in our house! But, forget Daddy and his bath time foibles. Just as my son can look at his dirt-encrusted limbs, fingernails caked with peanut butter, magic marker just about everywhere on his person, and insist he is clean, Daddy would also assess this walking untouchable and conclude that no bath is necessary.

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